MEET ABIGAIL PALEFACE!

Abbie’s favorite holiday is Halloween because she can use her costume to draw attention to the most pressing political issues of the year. Last Halloween, she was totally the star of the show with her brilliant idea to dress up as a Syrian refugee. You told her it was totally inappropriate and she earnestly seemed to register how and why. She promised to do better. But this year Abbie went back and forth between Sexy Harambe and Sexy Pocahontas for months before finally settling on the latter, mainly because this way, she can have two important discussions with partygoers: cultural appropriation, and how to peacefully resist against the Dakota Access Pipeline. She arrives at your party in full head dress. You shake your head but are too kind to turn her away.

Abbie has learned that some indigenous resisters wear masks to hide their faces and arm themselves for protection. She wants everyone to know that she disapproves of violence  and she knows it is not the “Indian way.” She promised not to get political at the party, but three drinks in, she starts ranting about authentic Indianness (she took her fair share of introductory anthropology classes), about her field trips to pow wow’s as a child (though it really was only one pow wow), about how the Indians she knows would never become violent (she went on three dates with a guy she met on Tinder). She starts quoting MLK and Gandhi out of context with a bit of a slur. And when she sees another white girl walk by wearing the same Sexy Pocahontas outfit, she fumes and grabs her by the hair. She screams: “What do you think you’re doing? Playing Indian Princess, bitch???”

You pull Abbie off the girl and away from the crowd that’s gathered. Abbie, you it say gently because you’re worried she might hurt you. Abbie, you’re white. It’s not up to you to lecture anyone on their struggle, or on cultural appropriation.”

She stares you down, splashes her vodka and orange in your face shouts so everyone at the party can hear: